Jackie's Ashes

This one is for my friend Debbie, whom I know well, and for my friend Marie, whom I know almost not at all. Debbie and Marie are sisters.

Marie lost her beloved daughter a year ago. It was a sudden death and apparently painless. Which is an insufficient way of saying that while her daughter, blessedly, seemed not to suffer at all, the past year has been nothing but suffering for Marie and Debbie…and for those who knew and loved Marie’s daughter Jackie.

I don’t pretend to even know how crushing a blow this is. I have only a fleeting notion about the depths of despair and grief Marie has mined this past year. I only know that she has endured a loss that is commonly believed to be the worst thing a parent can suffer.

In the one year since Jackie’s death…Marie and Debbie have stood together against a tide of anguish, been beaten down and eroded by waves of pain…yet they still stand. It’s not as if they didn’t want to give up, to succumb to the pain, they just didn’t.

As a bystander it’s been hard to know exactly what to say or what to do to provide comfort in a situation that simply has no words, gestures, or thoughts that will truly ease their pain. We can only let them know that because they suffer, so do we. And hope that as time passes, anguish will ease. And with that easement perhaps some peace will come. And the memories of Jackie will continue to bring smiles and joy, though less and less tinged with grief.

It is what I hope for them. It is what I would hope for myself.

”… and every day you gaze upon the sunset
with such love and intensity
it's almost...it's almost as if
if you could only crack the code
then you'd finally understand what this all means

but if you could...do you think you would
trade in all the pain and suffering?
ah, but then you'd miss
the beauty of the light upon this earth
and the sweetness of the leaving

calling all angels
calling all angels
walk me through this one
don't leave me alone
callin' all angels
callin' all angels
we're tryin'
we're hopin'
we're hurtin'
we're lovin'
we're cryin'
we're callin'
'cause we're not sure how this goes”

- “Calling All Angels” Jane Siberry